How to lose your girlfriend in Six ways…

First off, I want to say, I’m not a chauvinist. In simple English, I am not biased towards only guys. I will definitely write a post on how to break up with your boyfriend, but I am a guy and I decided to write this first. For girls who are reading, you may take a tip or two from this and if your boyfriend starts exhibiting any of these attributes, Honey, he’s tired, let him go. That said, let us get back to the post.

PS: Do you know I typed this post about three times? Each time the Ishan gods from @Obee_007’s village would prevent me from publishing, and the post would mysteriously disappear. Well, finally, I appeased the gods and here we are.

      

When most people get tired of their relationships a number of questions start flying around in their skulls: If to break up, how to break up, when, why, etc.And both with guys and girls, the issue paramount in each mind is how to break up nicely, so our ex-partner, who we most times still care for, would not be hurt too bad. NOTE 1: there is no nice way. Don’t go breaking up over the phone or facebook or BBM just ‘cuz it may seem easier. Easier for you maybe, but infinitely harder and more painful for her. So before we start on HOw to break up a relationship, a few tips on how NOT to.

• not over electronic media!
• not on a monday, and then sending her a ‘sweetheart’ text on wednesday. You’ve got to be firm, let your ‘word be your bond..’ or something like that.
• not on Mondays! that would just be cruel. Pluis, I hate mondays.
• don’t go broadcasting on all the social media immediately after: [Twitter] – “I finally left the bitch!” that’s a NO.
• and yeah, most importantly, do not break up anywhere private, like your apartment (for obvious reasons). Break up personally and preferrably in a public place with lots of people and no sharp objects lying around. Park your car as far away as possible, and for Okoro’s sake keep your phone and iPad inside your pocket to avoid broken windshields and stories that touch the soul.

That said, on to how to break up with your girlfriend.

1. Just tell her you’re through

This is just about the simplest way to break up that relationship. Call her, and in firm words, say: “IT haf do“. YOu don’t have to be harsh or brutal, but saying the words to her directly shows your seriousness, and most times the words get through. Most times…

2. Tell her you have given your life to Christ.

This is a very effective deal breaker, especially in sexual relationships. You walk into her room one day, look her straight in the eye and say: “I ain’t giving you no more of that sweet luvin’, no more nights at the club, or kushing under the moonlight. It is over. I have given my life to  Christ and I can’t be unevenly yoked with you anymore.” There may  be a few tears, but believe me, this always works.

NB: this may also be used vice versa. If you’re tired of your ‘Christian’ relationship, you could start playing some ‘illuminati’ music, kush up and ask her  for sex. NOTE: stronger, infinitely more sexual relationships have been known to develop from this point. Just saying…

3. Pretend to be gay.

NOthing, and I repeat, nothing, splits a relationship faster than a tall, black muscular dude. Either way…Start watching E! and Fashion TV more often, take interest in the ‘fabulous’ life of the Kardashians or maybe Ice and Coco,  and start dressing like a cross between Denrele and Charley Boy, and that’s the ticket. You’ll be out of that relationship  faster than you can say ‘Fag’.

4. Claim to be an Alien.

Contrary to what we see on TV these days with the love for Extraterrestrials, Vampires and Little green men, no girl worth her salt is going to enjoy ‘shacking up’ with some monster. If you can convince your girlfriend well enough, that you’re an alien from the planet Zanpapulous, you’ve just bought yourself a one-way ticket straight out of that relationship.

If that doesn’t work, there’s always the ‘Genotype scam’. Get a well signed report from a Doctor proclaiming you have an AS genotype and show this proudly to your AS girlfriend, while crying and cursing Providence for tearing apart such beautiful love.

5. Get her to break up with you.

THis is about the hardest way to break up a relationship especially with a determined woman. But the steps are easy enough.

• stop washing and bathing. Throw out your  entire wardrobe and start dressing like Musa the gateman. (This is not to say that all Hausas or Muslims are into the ‘security’ business. I know someone who has a gateman and his name is Osas.)
• put on weight and start introducing her to young, handsome, virile men who share her passions (saving the world, eliminating world hunger, etc.) while you pick up fights everyday.

By the time she is just about fed up with you, start begging and wailing that you want to come back; that would get you kicked out on your ass. Definitely guaranteed to work! Also it wouldn’t hurt to be caiught in bed with another woman, though this has been known to have dire consequences.

If this doesn’t work, then announce you just found out you’re adopted, forge a birth certificate and show her that you are related.

6. Share this post with her.

Share with all your friends on facebook, twitter, 2go *shiver* including her. Tell her, and your friends that it is the most enlightening thing you ever read and she should pay extra attention to no 6. That should definitely put the message across.

Disclaimer

• This post was written by me, with insight from a couple of peeps who would NOT be named here. Yes, I am selfish! and NO, i do ot hate relationships.
• Also, very important, this post also applies to lesbians, except no 3 of course, though my ‘tall, black muscular dude’ theory still stands.

follow on twitter @janus_aneni

Peace.