After writing about How to lose your girlfriend in six ways some of y’all asked for the ‘Boyfriend’ version. So after, days of research, one break up, two gunshot wounds and a broken i-Pad later, here it is.
Just before I posted this, I got a visit from two guys in dark suits, they flashed badges saying they were from the IGCA (International Guys Code Agency) and according to them I was contravening Code 13, Section 2, sub-section IV of the Guys Code of Honour, which states “Thou shall not write or say anything about guys secrets that may be viewed or read by a girl”. I threw them out of my house screaming that the truth must be told. So I write this at the risk of life and honour, so you had better love it!
Just like with breaking up with your girrlfriend, there are certain things you don’t do when you want to break up with a guy. Some people advise you to break up with the man publicly, saying the man would get the drift and walk away. True, but you’ve just about created a terrible enemy. So before we dwell on how to, a little bit of how not to.
- don’t say there’s another guy. That is just kerosine on fire. Guys love competition and if anything, he’ll just redouble efforts and something tells me you’re gonna be heartbroken after.
- don’t say you want to be friends. That’s just wrong. You can’t eat your cake and have ice-cream, love.
- don’t pretend to be gay! That is just freeeeaaaky! and believe me, guys love freaky.
PS: Anyone with some video of some girl-on-girl action should send a link. I uhm..want it for someone.
Okay, back to the post. *inserts track*”Somebody I used to know – Gotye”
How to break up with your boyfriend.
Just say you don’t want anymore.
This is just about the simplest and most straightforward way out of any relationship. Just lok him in the eye and say it in English. “I don’t want head anymore, no more trips for me and my friends, no more Valentine Blackberrys and Indian, Peruvian or Moroccan hair. We’re through.” Most guys get the message, but knowing fully well the way you girls style he might think you’re just forming. So you might have to employ some of the following techniques, to get him to break up with you
1. Close Marking
One sure way to get a guy to reconsider a lifetime with you, is to show him exactly what that would feel like.You become extra-dependant on him, follow him everywhere; to drink with his boys, to clubs, to watch match, to cut his hair, to NYSC camp, and soon the dude would start feeling married! and that’s your ticket. If that doesn’t go as planned, start pestering your undergraduate boyfriend to pay your schoolfees and you’re on your way out.
There is nothing any male (even the two year old varieties) hates more than a nagging shrew, except maybe an ugly nagging shrew. If you are serious about breaking up that relationship, nagging is one definite way out, even if you’re not ugly. Pester him on every single issue from, his choice of socks to the way he drives. No matter how patient your man is, he’ll get to the limit some day. but if that doesn’t work, there’s always the ‘Penile comment’. One day, just take a good look at his ‘Little cousin’ down there, shake your head and say; “But why is it so small?”
NB: some men get quite violent at this point.
3. Be gross and embarrasing
He takes you to a Chinese restaurant and you order Ogbolo soup and fufu, you think Obama is a BBA housemate and Daniel Anderson is a Hollywood producer. Or you wear the same panties for three days in a row, and prefer to re-use your sanitary pads in the name of recycling. I give it one week and he’ll be gone, except *shiver* he’s just attracted to gross and embarrassing girls. In that case, tell him you’re bini. (No offence to the People of the ancient Bini kingdom. I respect y’all)
This is so simple, it should even be your first option. No man, your’s truly included, is interested in sharing his woman with anyone else. So, one sure way to break up (with a non-violent man) is to cheat. Cheat, cheat, and keep cheating until he notices. Even after he notices, keep cheating until he is fed up. Sometimes, the guy may niot notice, so you do something that would definitely catch his attention: ‘Miss’ your period and tell him you’re pregnant.
5. Say Cult boys are after you
Hire a tall, black, grab guy and make sure your boyfriend sees you with him. After, you tell your boyfriend in simple words that, the guy was the *insert bloody confraternity* no 2 man, and that he is trying to set your P. But your boyfriend should not worry, ‘cuz you’ve told the *insert confraternity* killer, that you love your boyfriend and you will be with him till death do you part.
Definitely guaranteed to work.
NB: This could also be used to get your boyfriend out of the country.
However, some guys have been listening to “Find your love – Drake” for far too long, so you may need to send him a threatening message from an unknown source with the picture of his family house. This may result in a form of psychological trauma though, but he’ll definitely leave, never to bother you again.
6. Refuse to fit in with his friends.
This is a very important factor in any relationship. If your boyfriend’s friends do not like you, you might as well give up on the notion of ‘Happily ever after’. No guy, no matter the love, can stand a girl who his friends don’t like, especially if she doesn’t give BJ. (NB: Men would do almost anything for a good BJ, even forsake long friendships). So, this would definitely work, or if you are that desperate, really fit in, and sleep with his bestfriend.
Marriages have been ruined for less.
Oh yeah, and as usual, you could recommend this post to him (and all your other friends), on facebook, twitter, BBm etc.
- as usual, I would like to remind you that I do not hate relationships and this is not justification to break yours.
- this bears no reference to anyone, living, dead, zombie, vampire, bini, etc. all examples were provided by willing persons, and no 5 is not applicable to girls with cultist boyfriends. No go start war by mistake
- you will please note all the ‘violent’ flashpoints. Men are a violent lot, and I would not be responsible for any slap received.
- Apologies again to the Binis.*snickers*
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