When you date a Writer

Some of you have asked if I have ended the Death Chronicles or run out of concepts. Uhm… No. The recent spate of deaths and killings in the country are just a little too grim, and making a parody of Death at this time just seems..well.. So I’m giving Hades a bit of a break, and we’ll continue in a bit.

I was hunting about for a topic when @Obee_007 told me about this ‘How to date a Writer’ post, so I looked it up. It was aii, but she made writers look too good. So after considering some of the writers I know, I decided someone needs to say the truth.
Before I start, a few ground rules:
1. When I say ‘Writer’, I don’t mean anybody who can put together a few words and make a sentence. Hell, even my mother can do that, and that woman possesses not a shred of artistry in that accountant mind. Okay, maybe a shred.
2. I am not talking only about the successful writers; Soyinka; Chimamanda; Dan Brown; that guy from that blog, whatshisname?, so if their names were in your head, forget it.
I am talking about all true artists, the ones who know how to use their words to spin webs of magic…and those who want to uhm..learn to do that.
3. This piece is probably going to be very long.
So, When You Date A Writer:

1. Love the Writing
This is the singular, most important rule of all. All sins may be forgiven, and a generous amount may even be forgotten, but this is the mother of them all. If you don’t love the writing, there is no place for you.
You see, Writers are a bit of the egoistic, narcisstic type. In English, we would love you, if you adore us. So when you don’t know half the lines from his novel or story or poem, or you don’t comment on his blog(Yes! Yes! Yes!), you just got a notch against your name in the big Black book.
On the other hand, Writers detest fawning or pretence, especially when it comes to their work. They want their work to be acknowledged for their prowess, and not due to personal motivations. So if you don’t like the piece, gently say so, rather than get caught pretending. Your writer lover would love you more for being an honest critic.

2. Drama

This is like the most annoying trait of all. Writers can be dramatic!!!smh.. Everything is a scene from a play, every word perfect and scripted. In a relationship, this can be uber-annoying. To worsen matters, to keep a writer, you have to be a bit of a drama queen too. Writers abhore (and yes, they love big words) boring, un-artistic people. You have to be interesting to keep a writer.

3. They are not ‘cool’

*sigh*..It is the truth.
Writers may be elegant, debonair, chatty, witty, drive expensive cars, dine at the classiest restaurants, live in penthouses, but they ain’t cool; not in the uhm..sense of the word. There would always be something off about them; she will not know how to do the azonto, and he would rather watch the Grand Prix than UEFA. I guess sometime during the creation process, that ‘cool gene’ got replaced by a certain weirdness. If you date a writer, get ready for a level of eccentricity (in English, a whole load of dorkiness).
However dorky he/she may be though, the crazy weirdness of writers attracts people to them. If you want a relationship with lots of surprises and weird turns and twists, a writer is your best bet.
And the sex…back to the post!

4. Melancholia? Yup!

They can form deep and emotional! Hian! It’s not their fault though, most of the time they were born with issues: Daddy issues, early masturbation, not-getting-that-Buzz-Lightyear-action-figure-at-the-christmas issues etc. They get pensive and retreat into their inner shells a lot, which can be quite nerve-wracking in relationships, especially when they have Writer’s block or get a bad review (Writers reaaaally hate criticism..beats me!). All those writers, like @Xaviers_lore them, after reading Tolkien and Goodking, would now be forming deep and mystical, claiming addiction to a “..certain kind of sadness” Puuuhlease! (˘̯˘ )/`

5. The Money

If you’re dating a writer for his cash, you jam rock! The thing is, writers don’t really care about money (..don’t ask me..), hell, they don’t even comprehend the meaning of material things. It’s that ‘poetic’ twang working against their senses. I know someone who gave his girlfriend a baby bib and feeding bottle for her birthday, since well..she’s his ‘Baby’..smh. But sha, they really show you that, it’s not all about the money, other things do matter. So dash those dreams of 32-carat, platinum-inlaid, Lola paluzzi diamond rings and Honeymoons in New York, say hello to plastic circlets and climbing monastries in Greece or safaris in Kenya.
And sometimes they can afford it.. ¯\(º_o)/¯

6. Never disturb the work process

I agree with this entirely.
When you see me butt naked, sitting on the balcony with a piece of rope, a jar of ice-cream, a packet of condoms and a bowl of hot soup, please go back to sleep. I know what I am doing.
Writers are crazy people, and sometimes to better portray a scenario, we have to understand it, and to understand, we may have to experiment. So just ignore and don’t critique.
NB: the ice-cream is for inspiration.

7. Writers are hardly faithful

Uhm..uhm..I don’t totally agree with this.
Quite alright, writers are quite flighty which, I guess, is what you get when your train of imagination is trackless (#stolen). It is why their relationships are necessarily full of drama and excitement. However, when the excitement fades, the writer is oft times too bored to continue.
Just so you know..

8. Stolen Convos
When you date a writer, prepare to be casted into their stories. If you have never been used as the object of your writer-lover’s poem, article, story, then chances are they don’t love you.
Your conversations will be stolen and used in novels, your views amplified and used in articles. He would write a poem with your emotions, write a joke about your dress-sense, cast a sex scene involving your breasts and that scar above your nipple. If you’re the type who doesn’t appreciate your private life staring at you from the pages of a book, get used to it when you date a writer.

9 Words

Big words, small words, sarcasm, metaphor, irony, exaggerations, hurtful words, painful words, loving words, true words etc. Writers use them all. Apparently they say only what they mean, using the right words at for the situation. (Yeah..right…) Anyway though, if a writer says they love you, they mean it…at that moment.

10. They can not help it

Writers have been weird since they were born. In school, they were probably the dorky ones; the girl with the wrong plaits and the long baggy skirts or the guy with the big dorky glasses. What they do, how they do it, is not really their fault. However, it’s annoying when in the middle of sex at 3:00am, she screams “Aha!” and runs naked to her table to scribble ten pages of a novel, or type a blog-post. And I am just supposed to take it in stride.

Finally though, nothing beats dating a Writer. They are funny, romantic, witty, intelligent. They understand you, and their christmas gifts are the best. Love songs, poems and stories would be dedicated to you. And when you consider how fast and wide their imagination soars, just imagine the sex…

Uhm..ok bye.

Disclaimer

• it is a bad idea to date a writer
• uhm..I am faithful oh!!!..I think.

ff me on twitter @janus_aneni

Peace.