Testimony Time


PASTOR JAY: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Pastor Jay. If you are under the influence and unction of my voice at this hour, I command every problem in your life to become a solution! And every evil to push you to a new level. Amen.
I just want to present to you my new book. It’s titled Old Roger. It’s on sale at bookshops and blogs near you. Buy it, and every Old Roger in your life would be destroyed. You see, Old Roger was an evil man! This is why when he died a mango tree was planted over his head. You might not understand the significance of a mango tree. Lemme explain: mango is one of the seven forbidden fruits in the old Greek. Apple is number one of course..see the book of Snow White among others.. Mango is translated as Aniba or Mangifera...words which from looking alone sound evil. But this is not why we’re here today. Please, can our testifiers come forward..

TELEOLA: LOOOOOL!!!! I HAVE FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!

JANUS: (<_<)..Hello everyone. Been a while.
So sorry we’ve been absent from here, lots of issues being resolved, too much on the mind, Writer’s block in some cases and whatnot. But the year is at an end and it’s time for thanksgiving.

First of all, I want to thank you. You.
There hasn’t been a new post here since maybe November, despite a steadily filling drafts folder, and I post this and all of you come running like I’m sharing recharge cards. Wow. You guys are such loyal fans or readers. Whichever it is, I thank you. You’re very awesome. I am full of awe of you.

Full of Awe
I am full of awe

Tele say something..

TELEOLA: Something. And please, call me T-Baby.

JANUS: (<_<)  Well, as it is done, a recap of the major highlights of the year. First off, this has been the second year of “All in this life’s journey” and despite my lack of care, it’s not been so bad.
Tried my hand at a blogging challenge this year. You guys would remember “A Twist in the Tale” that featured Weirdoo, Haemlet, JontheZaptist, OWex,  and many others, and of course, where we introduced the beautiful Teleola. I still apologize for not finishing the challenge, circumstances way beyond my control prompted me to end on such a note. But here’s to promising better things in 2014. Finished things of a way awesom-er feel.
Ehm..Tele?

TELEOLA: Yes. Hai ham buriful. Ehm.. It looks like we are always apologizing to you guys. It’s not you, it’s me. Writers can be flirts you know. I have been flirting around with other aspects of my life but writing is my second true love (see what I am saying), and I will always come back no matter how long I am away.
Like that prophet that married the prostitute in the bible.

And I said you should call me T-Baby na.

JANUS: Biko sweetheart, don’t be vex. Just look at this filth. Early this year, on the 1st actually, I promised I was going to find a co-writer who would be fair of face and awesome in ink. Did I? Did I?? Was I right or was I right? Clap for me. (Awesome is my word of 2013. It is going. I promise.)

Personally, 2013 recorded achievements for me. On some days I was distraught, on some, the feeling of traught was on a high. NYSC ended. I got a Best Corper award. I entered the real world again.

TELEOLA T-BABY: So, I finished NYSC this year and also got employed. I didn’t win any award.  General CDs for life mehn. But I learnt a lot of things. The most important being you cannot force friendship.
I have undergone military training as far as I am concerned. Camp was not beans, I don’t care what anyone has to say. Gimme gun and send me to Sudan to protect the people.

Freeze, villain!
Freeze, villain!

No, please don’t be rash. Don’t give me any stupid gun.

JANUS: LOL! ♥_♥ Oshey Lara Croft ____o_ command me, Confessor.
I improved my British accent in 2013. And it didn’t have to be an International airport! I learnt all my British at Okada Airport, Benin city.
Another nasty breakup this year (becoming quite the habit) and possibly some of the reason for the block in my writing. (Tele massage my head biko). But I made new friends this year. Vundie, Jyte, Niro..these are the Twitterati you would know. And got closer to a few who had been friends before. The there’s-a-treasure-in-the-rotten-chest-right-beside-you sort of friends. People like Teleola.. Come here, let us hug.

I am lonely, aren't I?
I am lonely, aren’t I?

T-BABY: You keep me in a rotten chest, ba? Now, you want to hug.  Better hug Justin. Rub chest with him.  Shebi he is your secret weapon.
Do you people see what I go through?
I have added one more state to my Nigerian-states-I-have-lived-in list. Akure. The land were goats are valued more than children.
Okay, I am exaggerating. But, those people can eat  from the same plates with their goats and I hear sharing-bed rumours. Can you believe that! Ondo people are still cool though. Yes, I am subtly apologizing.
I also lost my phone. It actually got stolen at a party. The person carried my whole bag from under the table where i hid it as I was dancing. Fam, I cried. But I serve a living God, the God that answereth by fire, the God that broke palm kernel with egg to shame the stone, the God that sends money through uncles that have refused to pick my calls since I entered university, the….

JANUS: T-BABY ca’m dan na..you’re my only secret weapon. The only arrow in my quiver. The only project in my Manhattan. The last scene of my Jet Li film. Haba..

And Akure is a state abi?

T-BABY: Okay. *wipes lone tear that had begun falling from right eye*
I sha bought new phone.  And no, no uncle sent me any money.

Sorry, Ondo state. I was in the spirit.

JANUS: Family wise, lots of travails (abi that is the English?) Y’know, trials that were in the end surpassed? Yeah. From about April, certain troubles, issues and disappointments up until December. But the LORD delivereth us out of them all. Accidents and Robberies and Kidnappings and jailings, but like I said, the LORD delivered. Miraculously.
Still didn’t win Diamond Bank Salary4Life, or Toyota Corolla, or Silverbird and Genesis iPads. These people never like me. But I won tickets to see shows, and for the first time in my life attended a paying comedy show and nearly coughed up my lungs in an apoplectic fit of guffaws [LWKMD].

T-BABY: Single bloggers, gaan look for your missing writing rib, JANUS and I are in sync.
While I didn’t sleep in jail (I am sure his afro was part of the reason why he was there in the first place), I was caught driving without a licence. But praise Jehovah, I was released.
I also made new friends. Vundie (who must be convulsing with excitement that we have both mentioned his name), Obehi (the girlfriend Janus and I share), Dunni (who writes beyond her years) & Lanre (who I don’t know if he is alien or human but writes awesome poems). And, Bayo, my bestest friend of five years is still with me. We will go more, bae.

JANUS: Simultaneous coitus is an …wrong post. Come! Come! It’s not me that entered jail oh! And you can drive?? How fa na? Come take me out..

Didn’t read as many books as I planned in 2013. I think in total, read only 24. But 4 of them were by Nigerian writers and that’s a plus. Read Nigerian books and books by Nigerians!
Was least involved in real politics this year. There were no scathing newspaper articles, no activism. Plenty propaganda documentaries though, for which I’m slightly embarrassed, but that changes in 2014.
Ehen, you know I promised podcasts last year. Hehe. We had a youtube session shebi? Heehehe. Before January runs out though, we’ll do something about that. Abi Teleola?

T-BABY: Yes. You guys have heard Janus’s voice when he murdered Raymond. You will be blessed with mine soon.
Take you out, abi? No problem. Sha bring extra seat belt. 007 was my tutor.
You read 24 and you are complaining.  I won’t reveal my number. And since you are into politics, comman gimme contract. Even if it is to plant flowers in the whole of the state.
Before I forget, I cut my hair this year. Last week sef. You can call me African Queen.

JANUS: LOOOL! African Queen..LOOOL! Abeg do and Twitpic lerrus see. LOOOL!
Basically though, 2013 had ups and downs, many downs for me, and we’re super glad we conquered them all. It’s all been by GOD’s Grace and we’re looking forward to 2014. Thanks for bearing with us so far. Stick around this next year..

T-BABY: TAAAAA!!! Not until I reach your length. Yes oooo. Baba God noni. His mercies endure forever.
Peace!

Disclaimer

The names mentioned are of course people we seek to inveigle favours from and need to keep happy. If your name is not there, it means we do… Wait.
No disclaimer.

Do follow the blog by clicking the button at the top of your screen or below this post. And follow on Twitter @Janus_aneni and @tele_ola.

Peace to Nigeria. And have a Happy New Year.

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Author: teleola

A melancholic sanguine. Christ's ambassador.

49 thoughts on “Testimony Time”

  1. OMG!!! You guys really fit. Err, not romantically, I mean. Such a great flow, this has to be the best conversation I’ve read. I really enjoyed this, laughed all through!
    And my name’s up there! Whoop-whoop! Such high praise! Ori mi n wu o, e lagimo.
    Janus is a boss mehn. Best Corper award. Nice. I don’t even count the books I read, sadly. Will do that next year deffo.
    You guys rock.

    Like

    1. Of course, not romantically. That would be incest. And he is not even my brother.
      We are here to expose your dentition.
      Thanks for always being at the comments box. Keeps me going.
      Janus, effusives…
      Or effusively throwing …..

      Like

  2. Lmaoooooo. I was mentioned the most in this post! Three times! Three fuckin’ times!!! Y’all love me, and since we’re letting our homophobic guards down, I love you too.
    Janus.
    Tele
    Aljanusi.

    I fookin’ love you guys.

    And, of course, what Dunni said. I love the synergy. Sweet. I’m jealous. Seriously. I can sayn’let’s go for a walk’ and kill you guys because my smoke offering dey invade God ear instead of him nose.

    Oh, yeah. One more thing. Tele. We want to see your ogo. Twitpic that head(ward).

    And Janus? Best Corper? Seriously? Tueh. We cannot hang out again. Smh.

    Er. Happy New year, ma niggahs. Mucho love…

    Like

    1. Three times? So also was Old Roger..you don’t see him panting in my comments..>_>

      Go for a walk ke..only place I’m going with you is the bar where you buy me the Heinekens you’ve been promising..

      Like

    2. I said it. He is foaming at the mouth with excitement.
      Much love Justin. Thanks for always commenting too. Yar a cul keed.
      No, I will not show anyone my head till it grows.

      Like

  3. Ehen… Shey my name wasn’t not included abi? That says a lot. Janus n Tele you both make a fantastic pair. I couldn’t control my laffta esp wen I remembered the podcast…. Janus the murderer in deed. Hmmm be careful wat u said about akure peeps tho cos they may not find dat statement funny…”Actually you may be correct”. That being said janus, Tele, you guyz rock!!!

    Like

    1. Tele..she said you rock. Hehe..I don’t know why that’s funny..LOOOL!

      Dorothy, haba na..we’ve known since 2012. I know it’s new year, new me, but I don’t have to know you agai..wait.

      Wait.

      Just chill..

      Like

    2. Janus is just a he-goat.
      Bosslady, I am sorry. You are part of the people whose comments I always awaot woth each post and I don’t think you have disappointed. Thanks fam. You are awesome. I am full of awe of yo… Wait.

      Like

  4. Lol all i know is that after 5 years, i got friend zoned 😥 … Happy new year Janus. I’m sure you can only get better. Teleola, my friend, my good friend, we’ll see *snaps fingers* 😦

    Like

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