All or Nothing
We tried our hands at love
supple pink flesh
turned snowy white leprous.
I was right
You love hard
You hate harder.
A monster is born.
I slept in tears
dreamed of rain and storm
and woke with her crouching on my chest
as I sank in the flood.
She places her lips on mine
as our eyes lock in time.
please wake me up.
The first day of spring
the seeds of hate will now bloom
as you march like unto war.
If you would still leave
take one last look
have one last thought
hold me one last time
For auld lang syne.
These 3 poems are how I feel this February.
Your comments are welcome.
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7 thoughts on “The 3 pieces of 8”
Tele, Tele. Come here, Tele.
Lool. See as you ran here like I posted my nudes.
I should come so you can molest me abi.
Oya, I’ll sit on your lap. Small o. Ehen.
I feel you Tele…
I like all three poems but I don’t love them. They feel like drafts to me, to finished poems. This is because in poetry, you have such paucity of words that every word in every line has to pack a punch. Poetry requires thrice as much editing as prose, because every flaw and oversight sticks out immediately.
‘Pink flesh turned leprous’
‘Pink flesh turned snow’
‘Pink flesh turned white’.
Adding all three words one after the other is superfluous as it both connotes the same thing. Unless you wanted to emphasize this decay, which I suspect you didn’t.
The second poem, the tense changes were what was off for me.
The third poem starts with ‘first day of Spring’, which is late march/early april and ends with saving a thought for Auld Lang Syne, a traditional Christmas Hymn sung only in December, the thick of winter. That put the whole poem out of sync for me.
They are good poems, but they could be great.
The shorter a poem is, the less leeway you have to not edit it until it is perfect.
I didn’t intend to emphasise a decayed love but instead the leprosy. Even biblically, leprosy is usually described as the skin becoming ‘white as snow’.
The second is that way because it is the narration of a dream within a dream.
Auld lang syne is the title of an old Scottish song/poem. It has a number of meanings including ‘for old times sake’ and ‘long time ago’ which can be interchanged to fit into a sentence to make it meaningful. The song itself is not only sung during Christmas but also on occasions when a group of people are parting. Like a graduation.
Your comment is appreciated and corrections are noted . Thank you.
If anybody thinks they can make it great, they are welcome.
love’s prophesy. …. A beautiful poem tele.