The Goat of Christmas Past

Definitely not a Dickens kind story.

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E get this wise man wey talk something, e say, “things dey work out pass for those people wey dey make the best of how things work out”. The guy sabi die. Different ways dey wey things fit sup for this life, but na how and wetin you use am do, na him go make the different between whether you succeed to live another day, or you no succeed. Na person wey no plan well dey end up inside stew. If you play your cards right, na you go tanda in the near future with better lems, dey give people advice.

Make I clear you my story, maybe by the time wey I don finish, you go understand wetin I dey talk.

Okay, make I introduce myself. My name na Goat. Look me, yes you, look me. No dey look that fat woman wey stand there for road. No be nyash be that, that na person wey fat true true. I’m over here, by the stall. Don’t ask me what stall doofus. How many stalls here have a goat beside it? What? You think it’s some guy talking to you? Did you read the title of this story? Where dem find una come sef?

Mscheew. Anyway, moving on. This is a story of instruction. If you listen well, pay attention, maybe you will actually learn something.

So, like I said earlier, my name na Goat. I was born seven years ago in Ikire, Osun state. E shock you abi? Where you think say I come from before? Warri? Anyway, when dem born us we reach like six or seven. Person no dey even sure again, time don pass. Na seven years o. No be joke. Anyway, I remember when we dey grow up, my brothers and sisters dem go dey shout anyhow. Small thing, dem don enter person farm dey make noise, dey chop everything. No be like say I no wan join dem o, but the stress too much abeg. But in the end, na wetin come epp me be that.

Lesson one: No dey show yourself too much

Dem too show their sef. All the farmers wey dey that side come dey complain give the farmer wey get us. Complain complain, sotay they come dey set trap for their farm. But the guy wey get us sef, Boda Wasiu, that one ma no get sense. E go come house dey shout for us, like say we suppose understand am. No be like say goat no dey understand wetin human being dey talk, but we no suppose show say we understand. That’s the principle, and we are anything but not principled. I mean. Anyway, like two of my bros dem fall inside trap, and one of my sister. E no tay before dey enter pot as asun. And na so that one go be that.

Me wey no dey show myself anyhow, you no see me now?

Come, follow me, make we stroll this market small, make I show you one or two things. Look over there, you fit see Festus? Now, Festus as you can see is a blacksmith. Na iron work e dey do. Look at how big his shop is. E make sense ba? Now Festus be get plan, e marry two wives wey go help am born as many children as possible. And e work out for am. E born six pikin, six. No be like say I dey when e born all the children o, but I don hear the story. You see, as e dey bring all the children come out, na so e dey push all of them enter e shop. Na all of them become blacksmith. All. That’s a man who plans, right?

Lesson two: never outlive your usefulness

You see, my sisters dem can like to dey form say nothing fit happen to them. As per, people no too dey convert female goat to asun like that. This was true, in the first three or four years. But dey no come dey born again. No ask me, I no know. The thing fit dry by that time. Anyway, as their usefulness end, na so dey convert dem immediately to asun. Na the same plan wey Festus be get, but that time wey e start e business, na when blacksmithing dey reign. Now, e no dey reign like that again. If na even football e pikins dem be learn, e for better, but football dey no sabi, school dey no go. Now, the shop just dey there, big for nothing.

Bros, no outlive your usefulness o.

Follow me. Make I teach you tins.

See also by this Writer: Nwin Nwin: The Legend Begins

Lesson three: respect those before you

The mistake wey many of us dey make na say, we assume say if the person no senior you, e no fit give you advice. Me understand say, you no suppose dey chop advice from everybody, but if you know say this person sabi their subject area, and you fit see evidence for the person life say see wetin e don achieve, listen to am o.

Na so like last year, e get this goat wey my masters dem collect. Technically sha, no be goat, but the way wey this guy be dey behave you go believe say na goat true true. You know when person go do thanksgiving for church, come decide say the goat wey e wan give Pastor, no go even be goat, but ram. Na so, this Bale wey dey our street come decide say e wan donate ram wey win Ileya wrestling competition give church. That one for no be problem o, but the Pastor come talk say e wan use the ram take settle my owners dem. Okay, no problem. Na so the ram show for yard o, come dey form. E no dey chop ordinary grass. Na yam e wan dey chop, or plantain. Imagine! Because say na Ileya ram, e papa! E no reach two weeks, den don kill am.

The bad thing na say, I advise am, e no listen.

Follow me, I get one last advice. Pass here, for this koro near this incomplete building. If we pass this place, through this small foot path through this farm, we go come out for main road. Follow me. I know say you go dey wonder, why all these years, nothing don happen to me. I don survive trap, asun, isi ewu, peppersoup, and so many other things. You know how many festivals dey this country wey dem dey kill animal? Like six! Most of the festival na either fowl or ram dem prefer to dey kill. But you know which animal dem dey kill for all the festivals? Goat. How e be say I don survive this thing reach seven years?

Snap!

Na sense I get. Shhh. No dey shout. No need. You don already enter the trap. You know why I don survive all these years? I dey learn. The more you bleat, the faster my owners dem go come. Anyway, while all my siblings dem dey fall inside trap, I dey learn how to dodge them. But not just that, also how to lead other goats like yourself enter. Shhh. You dey disturb my ear. Oh, you see person dey waka come, you think say e go rescue you? Na my oga be dat. Meeeeheeeee. Weh done bros. I don bring another one. Tight e throat weh weh, e no go fit shout again. Correct.

Lesson four: never get carried away by a smooth talker

How you sef for believe all these stories wey I dey tell you since? How e go join? From Ikire na him I come this Lagos and I come as full goat, instead of as asun? You sef think am. Na training dem train me, to dey bring other goat dem come. Mumu.

Make I enter market again jare, maybe I go see another goat bring come, na Christmas season we dey after all.

Disclaimer

• There are actual lessons hidden in this post, it’s just, you gats squint well to really see them
• I wrote this after a well enjoyed plate of poundo and the most peppery egusi soup ever to come out of Western Nigeria.
  • The true disclaimer here is that the egusi soup is not responsible for this piece
• Neither is the asun I got afterwards
• Ivie hit me up with this concept yesterday, I just filled in the blanks

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GOD Bless Nigeria.