The Goat of Christmas Past

E get this wise man wey talk something, e say, “things dey work out pass for those people wey dey make the best of how things work out”. The guy sabi die. Different ways dey wey things fit sup for this life, but na how and wetin you use am do, na him go make the different between whether you succeed to live another day, or you no succeed. Na person wey no plan well dey end up inside stew.

Definitely not a Dickens kind story.

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E get this wise man wey talk something, e say, “things dey work out pass for those people wey dey make the best of how things work out”. The guy sabi die. Different ways dey wey things fit sup for this life, but na how and wetin you use am do, na him go make the different between whether you succeed to live another day, or you no succeed. Na person wey no plan well dey end up inside stew. If you play your cards right, na you go tanda in the near future with better lems, dey give people advice.

Make I clear you my story, maybe by the time wey I don finish, you go understand wetin I dey talk.

Okay, make I introduce myself. My name na Goat. Look me, yes you, look me. No dey look that fat woman wey stand there for road. No be nyash be that, that na person wey fat true true Continue reading “The Goat of Christmas Past”

How I nearly got killed because of a sugar mummy in Port Harcourt

Sugar mummies in Port Harcourt are a serious thing. A really serious thing. It has not been one time or twice that I have been propositioned. There is a lurid satisfaction that comes with being the object of sexual attraction of someone 15-20 years older than you. Anyway, this is one of my stories of what happened.

When I first came to Port Harcourt four years ago, I was young, bright-eyed and hungry. I had come from my little town in Benin City and I was determined to make sure I made money in Port Harcourt before I headed back. Very quickly, one of the first things I did was to start a business. I registered a company with the CAC and started searching for clients everywhere I could.

One day while talking business with a potential client who was the owner of a beauty salon in GRA Phase 2, I was called over to a lady who was getting her hair braided. She asked me what I did and then gave me her business card and told me to call her the next day. I was overjoyed. It seemed like all my dreams were about to come true. Not only had I been able to meet a potential client, I was also going to get a second one. I was so happy.

As soon as I got home, I called the lady. She quickly told me to call her later and sent me a text message to meet her the following day at a restaurant in GRA. I was so excited. I spent the whole night writing and rewriting proposals I will present to her. When power went, I ran outside and bought a few litres of petrol to run my generator so I could print out enough proposals for our meeting. Continue reading “How I nearly got killed because of a sugar mummy in Port Harcourt”

The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane

Too be very honest, this story is not completely based off a true one. The operative word here is completely. However, it is really a cliched, Evil Irumi kind guy meets the Beauty type. You do know the story of the Irumi right? The one where the really handsome guy comes to marry the girl with all the money and then halfway on the way to the guy’s house, she discovers he is actually a monster with his face at the back of his head and she regrets rejecting the other suitors? Basically, the original African story from where Shakespeare’s modified Taming of the Shrew appeared from. Okay, too long an intro. Just read will you…

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The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane

When she first met Eric she had been sitting at the side of a pool in Sapele. It was a sunny day and she and her friends had decided to come out to play. It wasn’t often that the sun decided to shine in Sapele and whenever it did, everybody came out. Everybody young and carefree that is, most of those who did not care or had no friends stayed in anyway. The truly unfortunate thing when she thought back to that day was that she had been alone. Perhaps if she had been with her friends, a fully clustered bevy of buzzing bees, the young men would not have come to her. But as it was, they did, and for her, that is how most of the story began.

Continue reading “The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane”

“Please don’t be anointed”

In a long while I have not used All in this life’s journey to tell actual stories from my own life. I have subscribed to that very Social Media promoted thing that blogs are supposed to be for gossip stories, fashion, music, or literature, forgetting the initial purpose was as a sort of online diary. I remembered a few days ago when I saw a post from Sharon, and the events of Today prompted this, so, read on and enjoy. A day in this life’s journey.

True life story

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“Please don’t be anointed”

 

When I stepped out the house on Saturday, 30th May, 2015 I had a lot of expectations. Most of them had to do with what I was going to do that day, and how successful it was going to be. The others involved just how much money I was going to spend before the day was done. You see, I was going to take samples, in a river I had never heard of, of both the water and the sediment, as part of my final dissertation for the conclusion of my Masters in Science program at the University of Port Harcourt. There I was wearing my lucky old grey shirt, and the dirty brown jeans that go with, lacing up the oldest pair of sneakers I had, and little did I know that before I was done, I would meet Japanies, yes, Japanies, discover a world beyond what CNN would show you, and learn how not to be anointed.

Continue reading ““Please don’t be anointed””

Two Tales

NUDITY, FOOD AND THINGS THAT CAUSE HATE

There I was, wet body with a bar of amber colored Fair & White Gold soap in my hand, single gold chain atop my slim hips, hair net on my head removing hair from my neck, bambi eyes wider than a saucer and mouth open in shock as the door to the bathroom creaked open and a pair of eyes ogled the spectacle. This was followed by a high-pitched slightly maniacal laughter as my embarrassment doubled and my yellow skin flushed as my heart beat tripled.

Oh no.

“Sister Simi, sorry o”, the owner of the slightly maniacal laughter said as she pinched her accomplice who walked back to the living room of my two-bedroom flat, holding his pinched arm. I could swear that I saw a tingle of accomplishment in her eyes and I looked at her in disbelief.

God.

“I didn’t know you were inside the bathroom o. How are you now? Please come and give me M&B paracetamol, I’m having a slight headache. How is your weekend going? Hope no problem.”

“I… I… I’m coming. I’ll be done soon.”

“Okay. I hope you cooked o. so I can take the paracetamol before we go for rehearsal.”
And she sauntered off to the direction of the living room in her very ugly red blouse and pink leggings like nothing happened.

I closed the door and sat down with my bare buttocks on the cold tiles, cursing myself for giving her an extra key to my house. As I stood up two minutes later when my mouth closed and completed my bath, I heard the TV change from SoundCity to Africa Magic Yoruba. Anger peered its head in my chest, amazed at the audacity of this woman and terrible words from a dark place in my heart began to take form.
I got out, got dressed and as I made my way to the living room with my car keys, I stopped short as the smell of my Hot-dog and Shrimp sauce wafted to my nostrils.

Jesus no. Jesus no. Jesus, please, no.

I ran the remaining steps to find my Hot-dog and Shrimp sauce on two plates with my Ofada rice beside it. There was no way both of them were eating and there was any left in the pot for me.

“Aunty Simi,” Ayinde said as he sat on the floor, my food between his small parted legs, “do you have Bobo?”
His mother threw her head back and laughed again, choking a little as the food in her mouth passed the wrong tunnel.
In that moment, my eyes filled with tears and I garnered all the hate I could muster and promised to unleash it in future on this five year old boy and his mother.

 

 

STOLEN KISSES

When I pouted my lips and closed my eyes, I didn’t know what to expect but the last thing, and I mean the very last thing on my mind was to feel Christian’s lips on my own after responding to his ‘Simi kiss me now’ with ‘Oya take’ inside the board room of our office with Isaiah sitting directly opposite us, his brows squeezed in concentration as he stared at his MacBook Pro laptop. Christian had withdrawn with a grin as soon as my eyes flung wide open in utter disbelief. If he had looked away and pretended as if nothing happened, I would have told myself that it was only my imagination but he just stared and smiled and I swiveled my chair away from him. Very good. I am now an office slut. From Shedrach taking me home in his rickety Toyota Corolla all the way to Satellite Town where he had never been before in his entire life before meeting me and having to find his way back to his house in Oshodi every Thursday when we closed earliest in the week to Musa who bought me lunch every day as he asked the same ‘So when are we going on a proper date outside this office environment?’.

Office slut. I couldn’t wait to tell Lamide. She always knew what to do.

 

P.S.

I actually do have a Tele’s Hot-dog & Shrimp sauce and believe it or not, it’s awesome.

Both stories are based on true events.

Butterfly

Tears are not enough
What did you assume, little fool?
You think your spine is curved for no reason?
Wailing will profit nothing
sobbing and weeping will not suffice.
As your eyes can never empty
the curve will never straighten.
Embrace the wet dust
then you’ve only just begun.
If mucus were wine
surely you’d be drunk.
Keep at it, furrow your brows
Calluses and scars
Blood and sweat
Wrinkles and age
These be the only propitiations you can make
Because tears will never be enough.

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Every time I am under duress, my already small voice becomes smaller, fading away with each blow life or the devil delivers, until my mouth produces squeaks barely audible to whichever perplexed person is listening and I eventually become mute as I stop talking altogether and become wrapped in my misery.
I like to think that I am not a lazy person but sometimes when challenges come, my first reaction is to stop and let the lamentations spill through my eyes, like a few days ago when I was just celebrating a successful August and looking to shock myself and colleagues by steadily climbing higher this September, and then all of a sudden, a brick wall just sprang up in front of me, right in the face of my joy. I hate that I cry at these times. I hate the weak feel it gives and the frail person it projects me as but try as I may (and have in past times to no avail), my frown always gives way to salty leaks.
Ironically, I feel better after a good cry. So much better that only after tearing up can I function normally again. Only after sobbing and thinking of how the universe is against me am I usually more alert, as I am now, barricading my feelings and emotions, preparing to wave off future blows.
My smiles these days are more from self-pity. I keep comparing myself to friends that have achieved what I am still dreaming of but I find that I am being ungrateful. There are thousands in this country that will be happy to have even half of what I own so I try to replace my stupid self-pity smile with one of gratitude and hope.
I’ll keep pressing forward, bending my back to the full glare of the sun with SZA’s Omega and Sia’s Titanium sending me to sleep when it has set.
Lol.
Look at me talking like I have a choice.

Shalom.

Retribution: Sambisa

I wrote this today after church, after thinking of the foolishness of these insurgents to think they could bully Christians. And then, with anger and idk..wishfulness, I penned.

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“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty…casting down everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of GOD” – 1Cor 10:4-5

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Akin Prayed.

Lifting into the air in a push that shook the earth, he twisted his body in a half spin and barreled straight into his attacker, the bullets whizzing past his horizontal frame. The attacker fell. Without pausing, he pushed off the fallen man with his hands, using his speed to twist again to his left, his left foot connecting with the head of the attacker. The man fell.

Akin turned to the other two, his eyes blazing.

Both men dropped their rifles and turned to flee.

Not so fast.

He Prayed again.

Below the feet of the running men, the grass seemed to move, algal growth on the blades causing them to become slippery. Both men fell. Stretching his arms out, Akin closed his eyes and Believed. The men suddenly jerked backwards as though pulled by an invisible force. The Avenger grinned, his teeth the only white in the gloom of the forest. As the men sped towards his, their clothes fluttering in the speed, their cries loud in the stillness, Akin opened his eyes and leapt forward. His sleek form tore through the air, and as he passed their middle in mid-air, he turned, whipping his legs backwards, causing his arms to come forward and slapping their heads together with his palms.

The forest of Sambisa echoed with the crack of their skulls as they fell to the ground, several birds taking to the air in fright. The Avenger landed a half-second later, his flat, naked chest heaving, his anger still unsated.

*****

“We will soak the land with the blood of Christians”

GOD heard. GOD Answered.

*****

The Avenger picked himself out of his crouch. The men were still alive, very much so, but in so much pain. They could barely cry or pass out. Which is as it should be.

*****

A few hours ago, Akin had been in his house in Maryland, Lagos. The bible had been open, and he had been praying. The Boko Haram  had just issued another threat against Christian students in other schools outside Chibok. The words had been simple in themselves.

“LORD, they have threatened Your name, they have poured scorn and insulted the name of the LORD, answer if you will oh LORD, the same GOD of  Elijah, answer your call and answer with fire”

Then…”Use me Oh LORD”

Right from his little table, a crack ran across the wall to the roof, the sheets of asbestos in the ceiling shook and fell to the floor, the room vibrated with a Presence, in the kitchen the knives rattled in their shelves, all across the walls a blue light seemed to shimmer as a shortage blew out all the appliances.

“And you shall receive power after the Holy Spirit comes upon you…”

*****

And he had known what he needed to do. It did not concern him that he wore only a pair of boxers and a singlet. The Power of GOD was at his disposal. A quick Prayer and he appeared at the mouth of the forest. The dark yawn beckoned him. Behind, he could see the perimeter formed by the Nigerian Soldiers. He considered going to them, but his Spirit rejected the thought, and so he walked in.

It hadn’t taken time for the quartet of militants to find him.

In the distance, a US Military Strategist with the UN stood with a Nigerian Colonel as he swept the forest with his binoculars. The strategist gasped.

Wetin…what is it sir?” queried the Colonel, his hand flying to the pistol in his belt. He had been jumpy since getting this close to the forest, and calling the US Captain ‘sir’, seemed to be the least of his blunders at the moment.

Signing up at the NDA was probably top of the list.

“Oh nothing, for second I could almost swear I saw a twelve or thirteen year old boy walk into that forest shirtless,” said the US Captain.

“Oh,” replied the Colonel, his hand still on his well-polished Sig-Sauer. “It is probably one of all those children of the mammy-market sellers. Maybe he wants to sh…to defecate. I will send someone to drive him out.”

He bounded through the trees, running as fast as his legs could go – which was very fast, he leapt over fallen branches, weaving in and out of the trees without slowing. By now, the Army might have poured into the forest, the sounds of the gunshots having drawn them. He didn’t wonder what they will make of the bodies he left behind, he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was rescue those girls and punish the impudent.

*****

From the nest of branches in a tree, he saw something glint in the last of the evening sun that seeped through the dusky foliage. Akin focused and Believed. His vision sharpened and narrowed, giving the illusion of looking through a narrow tube with blurry edges. At the end, he saw the terrorist hidden behind the sniper rifle, a radio transmitter near his lips. Even with the distance, he could see the fear and surprise in the eyes hidden behind the kaffiyeh the terrorist wore to hide his face. Instinctively, Akin knew he must not let the terrorist use the radio. Only seconds remained. Too few for him to reach the trees in time, yet enough, while the terrorist remained frozen in shock. Without pausing in his race, his eyes still focused on the sniper, he scooped some stones from the ground into his hand.

“You come with bombs and killings and the terror of children and women and men. But I come with the Power of GOD!” he yelled as he flung the stones.
They shot upwards, miniature rockets, the first stone tore through the radio in the man’s hand, severing first the speaker-phone, then the entire circuitry. The others shredded the branches the terrorist perched on, the force of impact rendering them into splinters. The terrorist fell in a cloud of matchsticks and kindling.

Before he reached the ground, Akin was there. Catching him in mid-air, his tiny arms bearing the weight easily, he stopped the man’s descent momentarily, then turned and slammed him into the ground with so much force, the man’s vertebrae broke, paralyzing him forever. Beneath the body a spider-web of cracks ran across the forest floor in a small crater.

Akin kept running, the Praise never ceasing from his lips.

*****
The man who called himself Abubakar Shekau hadn’t always been crazy. Raised by his mother, he had learned his first Arithmetic and English in a Christian missionary school just outside Minna in Niger state. The circumstances that led to his crack and final descent down the slope into despotic insanity are not for this tale. That day however, he sat in his room, the wrap for his turban tied around his waist, his legs propped on the table as he used his Android phone to search the internet for ‘Hot sexy anal girls’.

The sudden eruption of gunfire in his camp shocked him out of his pornographic  meditations. Slipping on a jalabia robe, he arranged the turban over his shaggy hair and made for the door, as it burst open in an explosion of splinters and gravel.

Akin landed in the camp in a frenzy of Prayers.

*****

On sighting the camp, he had increased his pace, putting on a burst of speed and at the last second Believed in a jump that sailed him over the wooden-stake fence and into the sentry post near the gatehouse. Two terrorists stood inside, gleaming machetes at their sides. They had seen him over the fence coming in, and had been expecting him. The first man took a swipe. Akin jumped over the attack, planting his feet into the man’s chest using the momentum generated to fly backwards into the second man. He extended his fingers, rigid rods of steel, and plunged into the eyes of the second man. The man let out a yelp as both of them fell, his eye sockets bleeding a mess 0of blood and vitrous humour. Akin turned to see the first man pick himself from the floor and lift a pistol. The man grinned.

Akin grinned.

The man’s grin faltered. But he shot anyway, the automatic pistol set at burst, his finger tight on the trigger. The first bullet missed Akin by a mile, slamming instead into a tree on the other side of the sentry post.

Akin Prayed on the Gospel of peace. His feet moved.

Sliding forward so fast, he seemed to be a flurry of figures, the half-naked boy weaved in between the bullet paths, their trajectories slow and obvious to him as he moved into the shooter’s space. He shoved the flat of his right hand upwards to knock out the spent pistol from the terrorist’s hand, the other hand slammed into the infidel’s solar plexus, shocking the air out of him and smashing him through the bamboo wall of the sentry post to the ground fifteen feet below.

Akin jumped into the camp, the Power of GOD radiating all around him.

*****

Shekau sped down the dirt road, the Jeep Wrangler screaming in protest under his ministrations. He had to get away. He was bleeding from a gash in his forehead, the injury resulting from a stone cutting into his head when the side of his room blew in from the impact of having an Armoured Personnel Carrier tossed into it. Tossed in a by a small child who probably weighed less than 50kg.

Jesus! He exclaimed in his mind, his shock overriding his awareness in the singular outburst, he needed to get away fast.

In the open-roofed Jeep, he heard a whine such as you hear when an object falls from a great height. Shekau looked up to see an object, the boy, fall out of the sky directly in front of him.

“Jesus!” he exclaimed outright.

You’re almost right, thought Akin the Christian, as he slammed feet first into the bonnet of the Jeep. The front tires imploded as the springs burst, forcing the front of the vehicle to collapse downwards so forcefully it flipped the back over the boy. Akin reached upwards and grabbed the terrorist leader as the Jeep flew over, his hand curling around the matted beard and yanking downwards. Shekau fell out of the Jeep, his yell cut short as he was yanked out unceremoniously. The Jeep somersaulted into a clump of trees and exploded, showering the air with shrapnel, none coming near them, but falling merely to the right and left in their thousands.

Shekau whimpered before the bloodstained boy, tears and mucus mixing with the blood on his face.

“Please…”
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I want to write that he was dismembered. That he had his toes cut, or his fingernails pulled out or a million other things that are painful and whatnot. But Jesus, wouldn’t I guess..so..idk..

Maybe when I type this I will or would not..idk..

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GOD bless Nigeria.

Maybe a Rubberband story

First off, no, it is not a true story. I was ehm..researching some stuff and err..I discovered something. Anyway, it was worthy of a story so..

Secondly, it’s the Nigerian Blog Awards, and ehm…a bit late, but I would love to appeal to all of you dear and beloved readers to nominate us! Scroll down the page for the direct link to nominate! Thankee very nicely! 😀

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Maybe a rubber band story Ah whatever.. Maybe A Rubber band story.

You go tie am with rubberband...”

“Hehe..are you serious?”

“Yes na! YOU GO TIE AM WIT’ RUBBERBAN’!

“Is that what you do?”

“Yes na! See, e even dey help you two ways..”

Femi looked incredulously at his friend. They were sitting on a bench in front of his compound watching the day as it crept closer towards sunset. And as is common when young men in their early twenties sit together, the conversation had gradually drifted to girls and sex.

“Let me tell you something,” Ade, his friend was saying. “I’ve been in this situations many times. These days, condoms are not properly manufactured. They no longer cover the entire penis. So what do you do?”

Femi was tempted to remark on the fact that perhaps, as he had grown up until ‘these days’ maybe, the size of his phallus had grown also, and perhaps the inability for the condom to completely cover his penis didn’t depend on the manufacturers. But he thought better of it.

The topic at hand was quite simple. Femi had been narrating a tale, an unfortunate event that had occurred to him just a few days ago.

Ada had come to visit. For the first time, after many failed and broken promises, she had arrived at his front door. As is customary with such assignations, he had bought her a plate of fried rice and chicken from a quite reputable eatery, stocked his fridge with every kind of suitable drink, and then placed a six-roll of condoms in the bedside drawer.

The conversation had been pleasant, and he had been at his most hospitable, gregarious and seductive. Soon she was moaning under his kisses while he fished about in the near darkness for the packets of polyurethane that ensured impervious ecstasy. As usual, after rolling it up, the rubber came up, or down, only halfway.

Femi slipped in nevertheless. Or, he tried to slip in, and despite having no claim to her virtue, found his passage into Ada to be not only decidedly furry, but also quite incommodious. But he was a man of action, and restrictions be damned, he went on.

Friction, physics and the natural laws of adhesion and cohesion came in to play, and while Femi hammered, all thoughts to the wind, he came to realise that the slip of impregnability that lay between himself and Ada’s innards was quite literally rubbing off.

But with the drums of perseverance roaring, quite indulgently, in his ears and varying sorts of madness pulsing through his veins, he kept on, pushing and pulling, ramming harder and harder, noting with amazing clarity and as yet unconcerned mien that the passage was suddenly, infinitely more pleasurable, that every sensation was utterly more vivid. And a nagging thought at the back of his mind that perhaps, something was amiss.

Then Ada went from, “Oh..ahh..” and the names of various persons and phrases from her native tongue to, “Ouch! Stop!”

And Femi did, or at least slowed, confusion and disorientation fighting a battle with lust upon his face.

“You’re hurting me!” she screamed, not quite loudly, but loudly enough. Perhaps insistently is a better word.

And so, Femi pulled out, and realised to his shock that he was bare. Not the sense of being unclothed or the cool consciousness of the cold air against his exposed buttocks made him note this; rather it was the simple absence of the condom from his erect member. Startled, his eyes searched the dishevelled sheets for the yellow piece of rubber that would confirm his sanity, but he could not find it. In those seconds, his thoughts went from amazed to bewildered to scared.

Again, Ada said, “I’m hurting.”

In that instant, comprehension descended like the beam of a high-powered halogen bulb.

“Can you open your legs a bit?” he ventured tentatively, his penis now a shrivelled piece of flesh.

And therein began the longest and weirdest procedure he ever [and he hoped, ever will] had to perform. After explaining to an astonished and almost enraged Ada, he dipped his index and middle fingers into the cavern which formed her centre. A place which was, for quite obvious reasons, now shrivelled in size and a dry as the crook of an elbow. He began to probe as gently as he could. Finally, thanking his stars, his long fingers and quite ironically, his Creator [Me, of course], he felt the polyurethane constitution of the condom deep within her.

Slowly, in order not to hurt Ada, who was resting on her elbows, her head angled over her waist, trying impatiently to peer into herself, he eased the rubber towards the opening. All the while, he cursed at his fate, the makers of condoms worldwide and thought about how he could remedy the failed situation with Ada. With these thoughts rattling about feverishly in his brain, it was hardly surprising that he managed to lose his hold on the condom more than a few times, having to remove and reinsert his fingers all the way into the female, again and again. It also did not help that quite amazingly; the tunnel began to secrete moisture afresh, resulting in his losing hold more and more often. It did help though that Ada no longer peered over his shoulders, but instead lay almost motionless, her head lolled to a side, her chest heaving in panting spasms.

Finally, after maybe fifteen minutes of gradual pulling and prodding, he had the condom out. Both of them examined the material for signs of blood or any other suspicious fluid or tissue. There was none. Ada whereupon left his house, after dressing up and consigning the rubber to the toilet of course, her ears deaf to his entreaties, apologies, jokes and apparent concern for the pains in his testicles.

So it was that his friend, Ade, visited the next week and while the discussion drifted on a myriad of topics, he asked:

“How far Ada?”

Wherewith this story was told and his friend had exclaimed:

You go tie am wit’ rubberban’!”

Initially, in compliance with the naïveté his friend constantly accused him of; Femi had assumed Ade wanted him to tie the girl with a rubber band, and he had almost laughed at the apparent attempt to make him laugh. One look at Ade’s face however, stripped him of his mirth and reaffirmed his belief in his friend’s insanity.

“Hehe..” he managed weakly. “Are you serious?”

“Yes na! See, e even dey help you two ways…”

Whereupon Ade explained that in order to prevent a condom from slipping down (or up as it should be), the length (or head) of an erect penis, one had to fasten the open end of the condom with a rubber band!

“E dey also help you preserve your stiffness even if you come quick.”

The evening sun waned in the west, the orange glow disappearing over the top of the building in front of them. On the street, young girls walked by, legs wrapped skin tight in material almost as tight as a condom, or perhaps tighter, Femi corrected himself. He caught himself wondering if he could casually sidle up to one of the girls rub her legs, and watch the material run downwards to her toes.

Those girls wey dey tight wella, na dem dey cause this thing pass. And most of them no dey wet,” Ade went on with his recondite air.

For his part, Femi wondered. He wondered as it struck him at how close they had been to a quite unfortunate complication. What if the condom had stuck deeper into her and a surgical operation had had to have been carried out to save her life? What if the situation had degenerated into a form of Toxic Shock Syndrome? Ah well, no time for that now. His attention was drawn to a figure that approached down the road.

Those people wey dey fuck nyash, e dey happen well well for their side. The condom always dey fall inside. Me I no fit fuck nyash oh!

The figure drew closer. Femi smiled.

Some people even dey lick nyash! Which kind madness be that? Cool down carry your mouth put am for nyash…

“Hi,” said Funke as she stopped in front of the two men, her buxom figure blocking out the rest of the twilight.

“Hi,” smiled Femi as he stood up. “Nice hairdo.”

“Thanks,” came the soft voice. Ade was shocked into silence.

Femi waved a goodbye to his friend as he opened the gate. Ade smiled to himself, his grin widening as he heard:

“Your braids, how d’you hold them up? Rubber band?”

LOL.

(<_< )...
(<_< )…

Disclaimer:

  • Nope. No resemblance to persons living or dead. Though I admit, I do know a buxom Funke.
  • Condoms really do fall into vaginas. Hell, in perhaps 2% of all sexual experiences worldwide.

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Peace to Nigeria.

Challenge Twenty Five: Christopher Anenih

Wrote this for Vunderkind’s blog. visit at http://www.iraborjustin.wordpress.com okay. Bye.

Welcome to A.g(r)eek!

****I read this by 3:00am in the morning. Dead of the morning. Not a soul was awake. And I laughed like a banshee. And my landlady lives close to me. Can I crash at your side, friends? It will only be temporary, until I fix myself up. Thanks**
Mastermind: Janus Aneni
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IMPACT!

I would like to warn that this entire yarn is entirely ludicrous, but I was assured that it really did happen, from a reliable source. And since hearing this tale, I have learnt a lot, so I tell it to you now.

View original post 1,871 more words

FerryTale – 1

I wrote this a while back on http://www.redor.wordpress.com Check out the blog for more of the Ferry tales..

DISCLAIMER: NOT HUMAN

Hello sir’s and ma’s. Today we have the Ogbolo inspired @Janus_Aneni here, doing us great service. This is a never before seen excavation of events pertaining the life of the Little mermaid kids know as Ariel. Do read and share your thoughts.

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When I was a little kid, one of the first gifts I ever got, (actually stole from my grandfather’s library), was an original edition of the Hans Christian Anderson’s Fairy tales. Seeing the Disney adaptations later, shocked me a bit as they were too different and had such wishy-washy happy endings. So today, with permission from my boss, @Achi_va, and for the benefit of the ignorant, I would paint a picture of the ORIGINAL Little Mermaid story.
Ehen, for the purpose of disambiguation (which is a fancy word for clarity :- less fancy word for understanding) the term ‘mammywater’ would be replaced by ‘mermaid’, ‘mer’, ‘marine’…

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