21 ways to keep your 21st century girl

Okay, before I begin, a few notes.

This post is not for lecherous old fellows or sick bastards looking for cheap ways to get 16 year olds. Nah. I spent time on this for the right reasons. That said, this post is for you there with a 21st century girl and for you the 21st century girl too.

You’ll be asking what a 21st century girl is right about now. This is the answer: a 21st century girl is typically a girl born within the 21st century (from year 2000) though this definition still extends to any girl below 25 at 2017. She is determined, exposed to the world, uninhibited, usually sexually active, headstrong etc. etc. Basically she is the pro-feminist, run with wolves, Arya Stark wannabe that Willow Smith sings about. Having a girl like that as your wife or girlfriend can be a bit of a task, and this post tells you just how to run through that task without killing yourself with 21 ways to keep your 21st century girl.

Guys, this is stuff you really need to know. Girls, this is stuff your #MCM has to know.

Alright, here we go.

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  1. Drop regular compliments

Sure, you saw this one coming. But let me explain. The 21st century man has forgotten how to compliment truly and if there is one thing 21st century girls love, or love to pretend they love, it’s the classics. They want a man that would drop the compliments as many times as possible. “Damn babe, you have got a great ass!”

“Damn! This boob fits right into my palm”

“Damn! That food was delicious. How do you manage to ALWAYS cook so good”

Yeah, just keep them going that way. They’ll love you for it. You know why 21st century girls are all over Instagram and Pinterest? Exactly, you got it. They want the regular compliments buddy.

man complimenting
“Hey babe, did I ever tell you, your hair is so…hairy?”

 

  1. Good surprises

Surprises can be bad you know. Like finding out you-still-do-weed-after-you-told-her-you-will-quit bad. Give her good surprises all the time, and they don’t have to be too expensive [yes, surprises are gifts, duh!]. Forget what pop culture magazines may tell you to sell their products, girls are not so much concerned about the cost, it’s the thought that counts. Surprise her with a bar of chocolate, tickets to the musical or the movie, pick her up from school straight to that fancy place you’ve been talking about for days. She’ll cherish those moments.

Image result for man surprising girl
“Surprise! It’s a wonderful thing you have always wanted…”

And here is a really important one. Surprise her at her house – that’s if you’re not married. Drop by unannounced. Nothing like not knowing when her boyfriend would show up to put Miss 21st Century Arya Willow Stark in the right place at all times. Oh, and let’s hope you are not the one surprised bud.

  1. Give her some space but draw lines

On the converse side, you should give your girl some space. You do not want to be crowding her. She wants to break free or at least have the illusion of doing so. You have to let her go out with her friends to see a movie, attend a dinner, go swimming at the beach etc. without you. It is important though that you draw a line somewhere eg. She shouldn’t be out with guys past a certain time etc. Let her dance with other guys at the club, but not rock that special move she gives you. The reason for this is it lets you maintain some authority over her, and 21st century girls love authority the same way they love BDSM and Christian Grey.

  1. Make her laugh

Money Comedy is the way to the heart, else Kevin Hart would never have found anybody. Make her laugh and she would be sure to stay with you. This works because her friends would also find you really cool and no 21st century girl is leaving her cool man with those vultures around.

  1. Don’t be like the other guys

Image result for handsome black man wearing briefsWhoever told you your girl shouldn’t be comparing you with other guys told a big lie. She will. And she should. That’s right, you want her to compare you to other guys. You want her to compare you with other guys and find out: “Wow, he’s not like any other guy!”

You’ve got to be neat, keep a neat wardrobe, clean clothes, nice house. Have a clean handkerchief, wear clean socks, change your boxers/briefs twice a day.

You’ve got to be time conscious. Always early, even when she will be late. It doesn’t hurt to have a schedule you run your life by – in moderation of course.

  1. Be creative

Can you sing, dance, write, have you ever made a funny Instagram video? 21st century girls want to be with men who are creative. Don’t ask me why. Ask Kim why she hasn’t left Kanye yet. Girls are attracted to the sensuality that creative men exude. “If he can be creative with words and pictures, then life with him will be awesome”. Discover your creativity and let her know about it ASAP.

Image result for black professional painter working on canvas
“Come here gyal, now take off ya clothes and strip for me gyal, lemme put my brush inna the canvas and paint ya lyka masterpiece gyal”
  1. Be careful when talking ABOUT other girls

Even if you are talking about Kim or J-Lo, there are certain attributes you should avoid talking about when it comes to other girls, except to laugh at. Sure, your girl or your wife may not be as talented as Tiwa Savage or Chimamanda Adichie, as hot as Kim or as athletic as Serena, but you do not have to say that or even acknowledge it ever. Which brings us to the next point.

  1. Tell a white lie every once a while

This is as self-explanatory as it gets. “You are not fat baby, you are bootylicious”

“I am not a boobs man”

“I think judging girls by their ass size is derogatory”

“No one needs to score perfect As to be successful. Look at D’banj and Kanye, both dropped out”

Image result for how to keep your girl

Etc.

  1. Share weaknesses

You know why Vampire Diaries, Twilight and the rest of these monster romance flicks are so much the rave among 21st century girls? Because of the sensitivity of the characters. They are so humane. Edward Cullen is so sexy because he’s so hungry for Bella but he has to keep his demonic spirit at bay so he can love. The Salvatore brothers are so awesome and hot because they are so bad and wanna be so good but it’s so hard. Etc.

Share your weaknesses with her, even it makes you seem like you’re employing an injured bird technique, but trust me, it will draw her (mothering instincts and all) in and bam! She’s never leaving.

  1. Put your relationship deets on Social Media

21st century girls need validation, if you haven’t figured that out by now. Change that relationship status to “In a relationship”, change your Twitter header to her photo, put up the photos from every time you go out on Instagram and watch her preen with joy and confidence.

  1. Get along with her friends and fam

No matter how strong you think your love is, if you do not have a similar bond with her friends and family, she is definitely going to leave someday – except she’s an only child and loner, in which case she is the exception and you are going to have to leave your friends and fam and be everything to her. 21st century Girls are very herd oriented. If whatever group she belongs to – family or friends, resents you, chances of you working out slips down the drain pretty fast.

Image result for man hanging out with many women
Haha. Haha. I am so happy to be here and hanging out with all your friends and paying for all your movie tickets and food. Haha. This is not a fake smile. Haha
  1. Be willing to compromise

You can’t have your way all the time. Letting her have her way once in a while would go a long way for your relationship, a lot longer than you playing boss all the time. 21st century girls are headstrong, and while they crave authority figures, they need to have their way every once in a while. On that note;

  1. Let her be in charge sometimes

Not every time drive. Sometimes sit down in front seat and pretend you are comfortable with her being in charge of your lives and safety for a while. Let her make some of your mutual decisions. It doesn’t have to be formal, none of the things mentioned in this post have to be. It can be as simple as: “So bae, what would you love to eat tonight?”

“Where would you love to spend next summer?”

“I need your help deciding which design to go with for this building”[even if she doesn’t have your architectural degree].

  1. Don’t be predictable

Surprise visits, good surprises etc. should have told you this by now. You cannot be predictable. The excitement fades when she can predict you down to the second and two metres. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t know where you are at every time, but if last week you got angry when she mistakenly broke a really expensive vase, maybe you should react differently when she mistakenly ruins the picture of your late mum you’ve kept for 9 years.

Okay, that’s tough. But c’est la vie. Such is life.

  1. Give massages on occasion

Another good surprise here. Massages relax the muscles, cause the release of dozens of endorphins (those chemicals released during orgasms) and always leave the person massaged really happy with the masseur/masseuse – except of course the masseuse is an Ijaw woman trying to massage that koko on your head back inside.

Image result for man massages womans bum
“So baby, where did you say you needed that massage again…?”

Whip out that oil or cream and stretch her out on the table for a massage without planning it. Or simply knead her neck when you walk past her, or while driving. This strengthens the bond of affection between you. And most importantly, you should not have to wait for her to ask for it.

  1. Show her you are working hard for her attention

Girls love guys who work hard for their attention, but how is she going to know how much effort you are putting in if you do not show it? It’s not easy for you to send her texts, flowers, serenades or any of a dozen other romantic gestures. She needs to know this.

“Baby, is that Mercedes Benz for me?” Smile and say: “Yes baby, it is nothing”. Then leave the receipt lying around for her to see, so she knows how much that shit cost.

Pay her rent – if you are not living together, and then ‘mistakenly’ let her see your now-sad-looking account balance all the while smiling and saying: “I’ll do anything for you baby”.

The thing is, it may not be that difficult for you, but she doesn’t have to know that. She will feel more secure in your love for her when she sees what you are willing to do for her.

  1. Take responsibility, eliminate your inner wuss

Related imageShut up! You have an inner wuss. You do not always want to fight the guy who scratched your car, but she’s right there and she’s watching so you gotta “be a man”. Taking responsibility means when she comes to you with that problem, you do not simply ‘leave it to the authorities’ to handle, you take charge. 21st century girls need a take-charge man. You have to know how to drive a truck, shave a bear (yes, bear, not a typo), change a blown wall socket, repair a car on an empty highway at night with a toothpick and three recharge card vouchers. Or at least give off the air that you can. It’s simple, all you need to do is create an image of who you want to be, then be it.

  1. Clear the air

It is really easy to think that since you are the guy, you shouldn’t be the one talking about your feelings without sounding like a jealous douche or the person trying to talk about the “problem” whenever you guys have a fight. That’s wrong bro. A lot of the time, relationships are messed up by unresolved issues built up over time because someone refused to clear the air. She was on the phone in the middle of the night, while you were supposed to be sleeping, and by morning the call log was deleted. Suspicious right? Talk to her and clear the air, keeping quiet about it would only keep you simmering till you boil over and everything sticky and smelly hits the fan.

In most cases, your suspicions were unsubstantiated.

If after a fight, you are still not okay with how things went, talk about it. Clear the air. You have a happier relationship when you feel secure.

  1. Send photos

No, I do not mean only nudes. Send photos of yourself at work, school, on the road, in the plane, working under the kitchen cabinet, in the car, bent over the bonnet, tinkering in your shed. Just send photos. Do you know there is actual statistical data that only 0.045% men actually take and send photos of themselves at work? And these 21st century girls want to see that.

Image result for man taking pictures at work
“Had to take a break from my cancer research just to send you this babe, thinking about you…”

21st century girls are literally the most visual females ever! And it is a really super-cute way to send sweet messages to bae. “Been thinking of you all day and now this work wants to attack me. Xoxo” then you add a photo of yourself swamped with dozens of worksheets. Totally guaranteed to get ‘Awws’ and an awesome dinner when you get home.

Sending these photos makes her understand that you think of her even when you are away.

  1. Let her win!

It is absolutely necessary to let your girl know you are really smart at arguments, good at playing games and an absolute terror at Truth or Dare, but sometimes sir, let her win. There is a subliminal reason behind feminism in this century that has to do with girls winning over guys. Letting her win gives a sense of accomplishment that cannot be faked. If your girl [literally] feels like she is winning in your relationship, that’s an A plus bro.

  1. Leave no doubts

All said and done, this is the most important thing you should do to keep your 21st century girl: you gotta leave no doubts, man. She should know at all times, that you love her absolutely and want to keep her. If she is ever in doubt, even for the tiniest smidgely second, there is a crack there. You should leave no doubts. Of the five love languages, the most effective remains Words of Affirmation. You should use this, a lot. Leave no doubts, and your girl wouldn’t leave.

So there they are, the 21 ways to keep your 21st century girl. Start practicing.

Disclaimer

  • I have had several ruined relationships, and I am presently still uncertain if this makes me an expert on this topic or the worst advice ever
  • I actually interviewed several people to sample opinions for this post
  • I initially wrote this for TNC but it was rejected

Follow on Twitter @Stillweather

GOD bless Nigeria

  • Credit to Google Images for the image content
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The Janusaneni Guide to know if you have found the LOYL

When I picked up my laptop this afternoon, it was to type something, anything. Just have my fingers play on the keyboard. You see, unlike last year when I practically lived my life behind a laptop screen averaging something like 80-100 words a minute while watching TV, since this year and my new job which only requires I handwrite descriptions, type the occasional email and spend the rest of the time relating verbally while reclining in ergonomic seats, I have not had to type as much. As such my belly has gotten flabby(-ier) and my fingers now make mistakes with every sentence, even though I am staring at the keyboard as I type. Smh. Thus I needed to write something, anything at all and it was not so difficult to find the right topic. Continue reading “The Janusaneni Guide to know if you have found the LOYL”

Leo

I never said

I taught you to roar

You always had it in you

deep in your throat

you just took your time.

But then I was there

when only meows and purrs escaped your lips

instead of the growls of a jungle beast

when all you did was run and pounce and fall.

I couldn’t carry you

so I just fell with you

wanting you to stand

so that you could lift me.

I cried your tears

because lions don’t shed tears

They only shake their mane and bare their teeth.

Now your growl is thick

Your roar is strong

And I am a doe

that must either become a lion

or get left behind.

My Coke and Fanta Gentleman

Sometimes

Just sometimes

I wish Adebayo drank

Just a little bit

so that when he kisses me

I would drink from his lips

and swallow his spit more eagerly

rather than lift a bottle

of Smirn-Off or Redd’s or Kagor

to my waiting mouth.

 

I wish Adebayo drank

Even if only a little bit

so that when we shake the bed

the flush on my skin would be redder

the bites on his shoulder deeper

and the clench of his cheeks tighter.

 

But most times, it’s okay

I can drink for us

I will drink for me and my Coke and Fanta gentleman.20160314_210654

Changing for Enore 01

The reflection holds power over the actual. Breaking the habit is more about what is given back to you than about what you do to destroy it. The luckiest thing that would happen to you is finding that person who would reflect a different image and thus give you the chance to break away.

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The first time is never the last time

turning and cycling,

a revolving door fitted in with mirrors,

the same event reoccurring in rapid successions of

mobile static reflections.

Continue reading “Changing for Enore 01”

The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane

Too be very honest, this story is not completely based off a true one. The operative word here is completely. However, it is really a cliched, Evil Irumi kind guy meets the Beauty type. You do know the story of the Irumi right? The one where the really handsome guy comes to marry the girl with all the money and then halfway on the way to the guy’s house, she discovers he is actually a monster with his face at the back of his head and she regrets rejecting the other suitors? Basically, the original African story from where Shakespeare’s modified Taming of the Shrew appeared from. Okay, too long an intro. Just read will you…

____________________________________________

The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane

When she first met Eric she had been sitting at the side of a pool in Sapele. It was a sunny day and she and her friends had decided to come out to play. It wasn’t often that the sun decided to shine in Sapele and whenever it did, everybody came out. Everybody young and carefree that is, most of those who did not care or had no friends stayed in anyway. The truly unfortunate thing when she thought back to that day was that she had been alone. Perhaps if she had been with her friends, a fully clustered bevy of buzzing bees, the young men would not have come to her. But as it was, they did, and for her, that is how most of the story began.

Continue reading “The Nice and Similar Travails of Asemota Jane”

Replying Chimamanda

I realise this post isn’t exactly going to earn me any fans, but like you know, on this forum I say what I will, especially if it’ll cause trouble. Hehe. Please read this, with as open a mind as you can, and perhaps I might convince – as I hope.

______________________________
Re: Why can’t he be like everyone else?

Since Chimamanda wrote her article a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been pressured to respond to the issue, both by people close to me, and my conscience also. I am a writer and a Nigerian, and quite easily, Chimamanda Adichie has been a role model, an example of some of what I can aspire to achieve, and after reading her post, you can imagine my sadness and disappointment.
A vast majority of the Nigerian youth idolizes Chimamanda, and rightly so, it is thus doubly agonizing to see her piping them, us, all the way over the cliff and into the sea.
In her article, she explains with a story, whether fictional or not, about a fellow called Sochukwuma and his ‘difference’ and why such a difference is no crime because he was too young to have chosen the lifestyle he was given, and there was no victim involved.

Very recently, in a conversation with a family friend, we examined Chimamanda’s position and he was very caustic. In his opinion, one carried by many others I must add, Chichi was suffering a malaise often endured by African notables who have experienced and become elevated in Western culture and thus, in a desperate bid to maintain that position, forgo their values and a bit of common sense.

Amusingly, according to her story, even at a very young age, she and her friends were able to quickly spot even then that Sochukwuma was “different” and “not like the other boys”. But we know, nothing can be hidden from children, and the truth is in the mouth of babes. Oh, they had no name for it, or they’ll have said ‘Gay’ and maybe Sochukwuma would have been hurt and not played with them again, and gone to another part of Nsukka or changed his ways. After all humans learn, and can un-learn bad habits. But Chimamanda says nothing of what happened to Sochukwuma or his alternate lifestyle after the boys threatened to throw him off a second floor balcony, but that does not concern us. Of course, Chichi would only have us bothered about how much of a crime against humanity it is to label an inhuman action, as a crime.

Fornication, adultery, human vices in all, and sinful things in every holy book, yet not crimes. And do you know why Miss Chimamanda? Because, they are very human vices. Polygamy and Abortion, also crime and non-crime, depending on the society. But since Western culture abhors one and extols the other, perhaps we should reverse and do also, democracy and freedom being nothing but the opinion of the civilised fostered upon the brute.
Tolerance is the African trademark, and in that you are right. Punishment, swift and merciless, for all things against the very nature of man is also our trademark. But this is not a question of what is African or what is not, it’s a matter of what is natural and what is wrong.

Homosexuality, is no benign difference, dear Chimamanda. It’s not the difference between aquamarine and turquoise, it’s the oddity that results in the end of the human race, a pervasion of the sexual relationship and the worst legacy you would leave your children.
The constant argument is that people are born homosexual, and thus it is not their fault they behave how they do. “If it’s so wrong, why were they created like that?” But people are born dyslexic, schizophrenic, manic-depressive and kleptomanic. Is it normal? Do we tolerate these ‘benign’ differences? Do we allow it fly because they are human beings also, or do we try to correct it?
If for some reason, you had recommended that appropriate measures be put in place in the corrective institutions the Nigerian homosexuals seem to be destined for, to ensure they are not merely punished but rehabilitated, I would have applauded you to high heavens and supported that course of action. But no, your very, very civilised mien and perhaps the image of fellow author Binyavanga Wainaina slimming while his green hair goes back to black in a Nigerian institution kept you from that.

Sir Arthur Clarke, anointed by the Queen and affirmed homosexual and atheist said, “One of the greatest tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.” And he was right.
I am a Nigerian, living in Nigeria, and across the Atlantic and over the Mediterranean, I see societies where the true freedom is being practised; where a man cannot express his distaste at the sight of a cross-dresser without being persecuted as anti-democratic.
If I say I will not kill, or be promiscuous or lie, it is quickly assumed that I am a Christian or Muslim or belonging to some religious order which forbids such, forgetting that these are moral values. Human values. Things I am not supposed to do because they are wrong, by any standard. And thus in a bid to divest himself of religious leanings, so that one may be seen to be truly liberal, secular and freedom-loving, the 21st century civilised fellow becomes amoral.
The same man in the Senate or Parliament, makes laws which would not expose him to criticism by any liberal group, ensuring his re-election and popularity, and legalising inhuman activities in the process; since the forbidding of such activities may be interpreted as religious and thus unworthy of logical backing.
“Kill a baby in the womb! Marry same sex individuals! After all, your only argument against it is that is a bad thing. And we’re not Religious people here. We’re all about common good!”
Aunty Chimamanda, homosexuality is not wrong only because it is sinful and against the tenets of every true religion. It is wrong and unlawful because, it is immoral and un-natural and a very base activity.

Disclaimer
*
I am not a card-carrying, gay-hating communist. LOL. These are simply my opinions on the matter, and open to discourse. Like the man said, it’s wiser to examine for yourself and decide, rather than loping with the gang. 🙂

Follow on Twitter @janus_aneni

GOD bless Nigeria. Peace.