The way people don dey gather dey wait for this one. Hehe. The attention on every single letter; every phrase perused and re-perused. What are the secrets? What is he hiding? Plug that wire in the socket and bring the bucket of cold water and the towel.
Beautiful, smart, really, really intelligent and then sexy in a completely wholesome way. If you thought I didn’t deserve that, I don’t blame you. I just thank God and her exes.
We met in the likeliest of ways actually. She thought I was a cad and I was amused by her. If you know one whit about relationships, then you’ll know that’s the number one recipe for falling head over heels.
Cold windy morning and I’m sitting outside the house with my 14 year old son. We are both swaddled in blankets, clutching hot mugs of tea, watching the leaves fall off the trees. I turn to him, voice low but clear: “Find a woman that doesn’t like you, then love her.”
To coin a phrase, “It’s a thin line”, and it’s easy to slip right over to the other side.
When we started dating, it was a whirlwind of emotions. Lots of stomping feet and folded arms and “Just you get out of my life!”. Lmao. Someone that’s completely besotted right now. Someones. I meant someones. Sorry.
Our emotional connection has grown over time. Each opportunity to learn, forging and then lashing, a new cord around our bodies and spirits, bringing us closer together in better accord.
Of course there are terrible days, when communication fails and tempers rise and you almost start to question yourself and all of your decisions. But those days are fewer and the way back is smoother.
“My son,” I continue on that windy day, placing my mug back on the dark ring formed on the wooden stool between us. “Never lose an opportunity to extol your woman”.
I’ve learned plenty from this girl: how to be calm, how to trust, how to comfort, how to be kind, how to pack. Hehe. And for the first time really, I may actually be content.
This woman can work as a Yaba tout. So excellent at packing.
This post is not for lecherous old fellows or sick bastards looking for cheap ways to get 16 year olds. Nah. I spent time on this for the right reasons. That said, this post is for you there with a 21st century girl and for you the 21st century girl too.
You’ll be asking what a 21st century girl is right about now. This is the answer: a 21st century girl is typically a girl born within the 21st century (from year 2000) though this definition still extends to any girl below 25 at 2017. She is determined, exposed to the world, uninhibited, usually sexually active, headstrong etc. etc. Basically she is the pro-feminist, run with wolves, Arya Stark wannabe that Willow Smith sings about. Having a girl like that as your wife or girlfriend can be a bit of a task, and this post tells you just how to run through that task without killing yourself with 21 ways to keep your 21st century girl.
Guys, this is stuff you really need to know. Girls, this is stuff your #MCM has to know.
Alright, here we go.
Drop regular compliments
Sure, you saw this one coming. But let me explain. The 21st century man has forgotten how to compliment truly and if there is one thing 21st century girls love, or love to pretend they love, it’s the classics. They want a man that would drop the compliments as many times as possible. “Damn babe, you have got a great ass!”
“Damn! This boob fits right into my palm”
“Damn! That food was delicious. How do you manage to ALWAYS cook so good”
Yeah, just keep them going that way. They’ll love you for it. You know why 21st century girls are all over Instagram and Pinterest? Exactly, you got it. They want the regular compliments buddy.
Surprises can be bad you know. Like finding out you-still-do-weed-after-you-told-her-you-will-quit bad. Give her good surprises all the time, and they don’t have to be too expensive [yes, surprises are gifts, duh!]. Forget what pop culture magazines may tell you to sell their products, girls are not so much concerned about the cost, it’s the thought that counts. Surprise her with a bar of chocolate, tickets to the musical or the movie, pick her up from school straight to that fancy place you’ve been talking about for days. She’ll cherish those moments.
And here is a really important one. Surprise her at her house – that’s if you’re not married. Drop by unannounced. Nothing like not knowing when her boyfriend would show up to put Miss 21st Century Arya Willow Stark in the right place at all times. Oh, and let’s hope you are not the one surprised bud.
Give her some space but draw lines
On the converse side, you should give your girl some space. You do not want to be crowding her. She wants to break free or at least have the illusion of doing so. You have to let her go out with her friends to see a movie, attend a dinner, go swimming at the beach etc. without you. It is important though that you draw a line somewhere eg. She shouldn’t be out with guys past a certain time etc. Let her dance with other guys at the club, but not rock that special move she gives you. The reason for this is it lets you maintain some authority over her, and 21st century girls love authority the same way they love BDSM and Christian Grey.
Make her laugh
Money Comedy is the way to the heart, else Kevin Hart would never have found anybody. Make her laugh and she would be sure to stay with you. This works because her friends would also find you really cool and no 21st century girl is leaving her cool man with those vultures around.
Don’t be like the other guys
Whoever told you your girl shouldn’t be comparing you with other guys told a big lie. She will. And she should. That’s right, you want her to compare you to other guys. You want her to compare you with other guys and find out: “Wow, he’s not like any other guy!”
You’ve got to be neat, keep a neat wardrobe, clean clothes, nice house. Have a clean handkerchief, wear clean socks, change your boxers/briefs twice a day.
You’ve got to be time conscious. Always early, even when she will be late. It doesn’t hurt to have a schedule you run your life by – in moderation of course.
Can you sing, dance, write, have you ever made a funny Instagram video? 21st century girls want to be with men who are creative. Don’t ask me why. Ask Kim why she hasn’t left Kanye yet. Girls are attracted to the sensuality that creative men exude. “If he can be creative with words and pictures, then life with him will be awesome”. Discover your creativity and let her know about it ASAP.
Be careful when talking ABOUT other girls
Even if you are talking about Kim or J-Lo, there are certain attributes you should avoid talking about when it comes to other girls, except to laugh at. Sure, your girl or your wife may not be as talented as Tiwa Savage or Chimamanda Adichie, as hot as Kim or as athletic as Serena, but you do not have to say that or even acknowledge it ever. Which brings us to the next point.
Tell a white lie every once a while
This is as self-explanatory as it gets. “You are not fat baby, you are bootylicious”
“I am not a boobs man”
“I think judging girls by their ass size is derogatory”
“No one needs to score perfect As to be successful. Look at D’banj and Kanye, both dropped out”
You know why Vampire Diaries, Twilight and the rest of these monster romance flicks are so much the rave among 21st century girls? Because of the sensitivity of the characters. They are so humane. Edward Cullen is so sexy because he’s so hungry for Bella but he has to keep his demonic spirit at bay so he can love. The Salvatore brothers are so awesome and hot because they are so bad and wanna be so good but it’s so hard. Etc.
Share your weaknesses with her, even it makes you seem like you’re employing an injured bird technique, but trust me, it will draw her (mothering instincts and all) in and bam! She’s never leaving.
Put your relationship deets on Social Media
21st century girls need validation, if you haven’t figured that out by now. Change that relationship status to “In a relationship”, change your Twitter header to her photo, put up the photos from every time you go out on Instagram and watch her preen with joy and confidence.
Get along with her friends and fam
No matter how strong you think your love is, if you do not have a similar bond with her friends and family, she is definitely going to leave someday – except she’s an only child and loner, in which case she is the exception and you are going to have to leave your friends and fam and be everything to her. 21st century Girls are very herd oriented. If whatever group she belongs to – family or friends, resents you, chances of you working out slips down the drain pretty fast.
Be willing to compromise
You can’t have your way all the time. Letting her have her way once in a while would go a long way for your relationship, a lot longer than you playing boss all the time. 21st century girls are headstrong, and while they crave authority figures, they need to have their way every once in a while. On that note;
Let her be in charge sometimes
Not every time drive. Sometimes sit down in front seat and pretend you are comfortable with her being in charge of your lives and safety for a while. Let her make some of your mutual decisions. It doesn’t have to be formal, none of the things mentioned in this post have to be. It can be as simple as: “So bae, what would you love to eat tonight?”
“Where would you love to spend next summer?”
“I need your help deciding which design to go with for this building”[even if she doesn’t have your architectural degree].
Don’t be predictable
Surprise visits, good surprises etc. should have told you this by now. You cannot be predictable. The excitement fades when she can predict you down to the second and two metres. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t know where you are at every time, but if last week you got angry when she mistakenly broke a really expensive vase, maybe you should react differently when she mistakenly ruins the picture of your late mum you’ve kept for 9 years.
Okay, that’s tough. But c’est la vie. Such is life.
Give massages on occasion
Another good surprise here. Massages relax the muscles, cause the release of dozens of endorphins (those chemicals released during orgasms) and always leave the person massaged really happy with the masseur/masseuse – except of course the masseuse is an Ijaw woman trying to massage that koko on your head back inside.
Whip out that oil or cream and stretch her out on the table for a massage without planning it. Or simply knead her neck when you walk past her, or while driving. This strengthens the bond of affection between you. And most importantly, you should not have to wait for her to ask for it.
Show her you are working hard for her attention
Girls love guys who work hard for their attention, but how is she going to know how much effort you are putting in if you do not show it? It’s not easy for you to send her texts, flowers, serenades or any of a dozen other romantic gestures. She needs to know this.
“Baby, is that Mercedes Benz for me?” Smile and say: “Yes baby, it is nothing”. Then leave the receipt lying around for her to see, so she knows how much that shit cost.
Pay her rent – if you are not living together, and then ‘mistakenly’ let her see your now-sad-looking account balance all the while smiling and saying: “I’ll do anything for you baby”.
The thing is, it may not be that difficult for you, but she doesn’t have to know that. She will feel more secure in your love for her when she sees what you are willing to do for her.
Take responsibility, eliminate your inner wuss
Shut up! You have an inner wuss. You do not always want to fight the guy who scratched your car, but she’s right there and she’s watching so you gotta “be a man”. Taking responsibility means when she comes to you with that problem, you do not simply ‘leave it to the authorities’ to handle, you take charge. 21st century girls need a take-charge man. You have to know how to drive a truck, shave a bear (yes, bear, not a typo), change a blown wall socket, repair a car on an empty highway at night with a toothpick and three recharge card vouchers. Or at least give off the air that you can. It’s simple, all you need to do is create an image of who you want to be, then be it.
Clear the air
It is really easy to think that since you are the guy, you shouldn’t be the one talking about your feelings without sounding like a jealous douche or the person trying to talk about the “problem” whenever you guys have a fight. That’s wrong bro. A lot of the time, relationships are messed up by unresolved issues built up over time because someone refused to clear the air. She was on the phone in the middle of the night, while you were supposed to be sleeping, and by morning the call log was deleted. Suspicious right? Talk to her and clear the air, keeping quiet about it would only keep you simmering till you boil over and everything sticky and smelly hits the fan.
In most cases, your suspicions were unsubstantiated.
If after a fight, you are still not okay with how things went, talk about it. Clear the air. You have a happier relationship when you feel secure.
No, I do not mean only nudes. Send photos of yourself at work, school, on the road, in the plane, working under the kitchen cabinet, in the car, bent over the bonnet, tinkering in your shed. Just send photos. Do you know there is actual statistical data that only 0.045% men actually take and send photos of themselves at work? And these 21st century girls want to see that.
21st century girls are literally the most visual females ever! And it is a really super-cute way to send sweet messages to bae. “Been thinking of you all day and now this work wants to attack me. Xoxo” then you add a photo of yourself swamped with dozens of worksheets. Totally guaranteed to get ‘Awws’ and an awesome dinner when you get home.
Sending these photos makes her understand that you think of her even when you are away.
Let her win!
It is absolutely necessary to let your girl know you are really smart at arguments, good at playing games and an absolute terror at Truth or Dare, but sometimes sir, let her win. There is a subliminal reason behind feminism in this century that has to do with girls winning over guys. Letting her win gives a sense of accomplishment that cannot be faked. If your girl [literally] feels like she is winning in your relationship, that’s an A plus bro.
Leave no doubts
All said and done, this is the most important thing you should do to keep your 21st century girl: you gotta leave no doubts, man. She should know at all times, that you love her absolutely and want to keep her. If she is ever in doubt, even for the tiniest smidgely second, there is a crack there. You should leave no doubts. Of the five love languages, the most effective remains Words of Affirmation. You should use this, a lot. Leave no doubts, and your girl wouldn’t leave.
So there they are, the 21 ways to keep your 21st century girl. Start practicing.
I have had several ruined relationships, and I am presently still uncertain if this makes me an expert on this topic or the worst advice ever
I actually interviewed several people to sample opinions for this post
I initially wrote this for TNC but it was rejected